The To-Do list: How not to succeed as a Manager

Hurray. The evil manager you used to report to just got fired. Everyone on your team is happy. Even better: you’re the new manager. Woo-hoo!

Here’s what you should do to ensure that you will fail:

Don’t learn how to manage up.

You always thought your old boss was a jerk. Your new boss will be a jerk too. You hate bosses. You never want to be a boss. Just keep doing your old job. If your new boss absolutely insists on meeting with you now and then, fine. But don’t go out of your way to communicate or—ick—try to understand his or her goals and strategies. Certainly don’t be proactive or anything. After all, the whole stupid company sucks; you’re just here for a paycheck. Share your sentiments with your team.

Don’t learn how to manage down.

True, the old manager wasn’t the only problem. There’s one particular producer who complains more than he works. His negativity had started to poison others on the team, and the lack of productivity caused the downfall of the previous manager. But whatever. Just let it fester. After all, you’re friends with all of these people, and, hey, who cares about morale? Or productivity? And so what if the best people on your team leave, so that only the crappy people are left? Crappy people are kinda fun, too.

Don’t learn how to manage laterally.

A lot of what your department does also affects Marketing and Sales and other departments—and vice versa. But don’t bother learning what those departments do, or getting to know the heads of those departments and working with them to improve communication and efficiency. You’re kinda busy with your own stuff right now. And what are they gonna do anyway, tell the boss you’re not a team player? As if!

Do turn into a complete jerk, alienating everyone around you.

Remind everyone who will listen that you are now a manager, and that means that you’re important. The proper reply to any email or phone call that annoys you is: “DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM? DO YOU KNOW WHO I REPORT TO?” Tell your boss that he needs to punish the marketing director who disrespected you. Also, that old guy in Sales who always wears a tie and hangs out with the president; who the hell does he think he is, anyway?

It’s good that your new boss knows right away that you’re not gonna take crap from anybody. The more complaints he hears about you, the better. You’re a bulldog, dammit.

With luck, you should last a good six months in the new job. But don’t worry. With that new “Manager” title on your resume, job offers are going to come flooding in. You’re on your way to the top, baby!