Speaking for myself, I love getting criticism and feedback,
and am completely open to receiving it any time, any place…as long as it’s
positive and complimentary. When it’s not . . . um . . . let’s just say that
I’m not quite as receptive. Nor are most people.
Why is that? Why is feedback—whether it’s negative feedback
or constructive criticism—so tough for most people to take? When we receive
feedback that we don’t agree with, the tendency is to get defensive, to
explain, to make excuses, to try to invalidate it, to deny it, to be offended
by it, and even to resent the person giving it.
Your Brain at Work
I just finished reading an amazing book, Your Brain at
Work, by David Rock, who explains the neuroscience behind why we react
emotionally (and sometimes irrationally) to feedback that we don’t agree with
or don’t want to hear.
In brief, our primitive brains are biologically wired to
perceive feedback as a threat. Not to get too technical or neurological, but the
amygdala—the fear center (referred to often by author Seth Godin as our “lizard
brain”)—intuitively senses feedback as a threat and does anything possible to
avoid it.
Rock compares the feelings that feedback triggers to that
sick-to-the-stomach, hair-standing-up-on the-back-of-your-neck fear you might
experience when walking alone down a dark, scary alley and hearing footsteps
quickly sneaking up behind you. The sensation that we are about to be attacked.
The feeling that our lives are in mortal danger. That’s what feedback can feel
like. And when we receive negative feedback, we are, in fact, at risk,
especially when we feel our confidence, our self-esteem, and our sense of self
are under attack.
It’s the “fight, flight, or freeze” response in action. That’s
why, when receiving negative feedback (or sometimes even positive and
constructive feedback), we may respond by lashing out in defensiveness, running
(or storming) away, or standing there, speechless, in shock and disbelief.
The Five Threats
David Rock created a now-classic acronym, SCARF, that
clearly and effectively captures the ways that feedback may threaten us:
Status: Getting feedback may feel as if we are
being spoken down to and that our status or position relative to that other
person is being threatened. A boss’s saying something as simple as, “I need to
see you in my office” can trigger a feeling of heart-stopping terror . . . and
make you feel two feet tall.
Certainty: When we receive feedback, especially
if it is unexpected, it could create feelings of uncertainty and confusion. You
thought you did such a great job on that presentation, but now the feedback has
made you doubt your abilities and shaken your self-confidence.
Autonomy: When we receive feedback that puts
into question the decisions and choices we’ve made, not only might we start to
doubt our own judgment, but we may now fear that our freedom and empowerment
might be taken away.
Relatedness: When we receive feedback from
someone, it could impact our relationship with that person. “How could you say
that? I thought you liked me. I thought you were on my side. Is that what you
REALLY think of me?”
Fairness: Have you ever received feedback from
someone and felt misjudged, misunderstood, or unfairly evaluated? If you’ve had
the reaction “That’s just not fair. That’s not true. You’ve got me all wrong!”
then you know how it feels to have your sense of fairness threatened.
So, now that we know WHY feedback might be perceived as a
threat to our personal well-being, and that it’s a completely natural,
neurological, biological response, what can we do about it?
Making Feedback Work for You
1. Try to keep an open mind, consider the source and the
intention, and keep things in perspective. Don’t react or overreact;
just take the feedback in. With the self-awareness you now have about
WHY feedback feels like an attack, it might be a little easier (over time, with
practice!) to be more open to receiving the feedback objectively.
2. Though it’s natural to react emotionally (especially when
under stress), try not to get defensive. Even though it may
feel like you are being attacked when the feedback’s coming from multiple
people simultaneously, be open to the feedback, let it settle in, and then
decide what you want to do with it.
3. Feedback is a source of knowledge. Though some things may
be difficult to hear or to admit, keep in mind the value of knowing. If
you were about to go on stage to deliver a presentation, and you had a “Kick
Me” sign on your back, toilet paper stuck to your shoe, and your fly was open,
wouldn’t you be better off knowing than not knowing? At least now you can do
something about it.
4. When you get vague, general, ambiguous feedback (e.g.,
“You need to do much better next time”), seek out specifics. Ask
for suggestions on how you might improve. Confusing feedback is worse than no
feedback at all. You could even request that the person start with something
positive before getting to the constructive criticism. Encourage them to use
the Feedback Sandwich with you!
5. Change your mindset about feedback. Reframe it as a
developmental opportunity rather than a criticism of you personally. Recognize
that while the tendency (basic human nature) is to focus on the negative, it is
equally important to validate your strengths and leverage what you’ve
done well.
6. After receiving feedback, take some time to let it sink
in, and think strategically on what to do with it and where to go from here.
Remember: Unless something is a real emergency that is causing serious,
immediate problems, you don’t have to change or fix everything—or
anything—overnight! In fact, it’s almost impossible. Continuous
improvement is an on-going process and a lifelong journey. And
feedback is a mechanism that will help you to stay on course and moving
ever-forward. Without it, how will you know how well you’re doing?
The Gift
There’s an old saying that “Feedback is a gift.” And like
any gift we receive, we can choose to toss it in the trash, or we can
appreciate the thought behind it. Perhaps when we unwrap that gift, when we
have a chance to sit alone with it and ponder it, we’ll find a nugget of truth
hidden somewhere inside that box; one that we need to seriously consider.
And if feedback is, indeed, a gift, the polite thing to say
to the feedback giver is, simply, “Thank you,” as you would to any gift giver.
So the next time someone approaches you with some feedback
and says “Let’s talk,” be open to what they have to say.
And what better time than NOW to keep that sentiment in
mind!
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