Management Goon: Cover Letter – How not to read it!

There is one key rule in management: never hire anyone desperate or stupid enough to work for someone like you. Unfortunately, at some point in your management career you may need to replace an employee who was smart enough to quit.

If and when this happens, you will probably come across something known as a “resume” and its useless cousin, the “cover letter.”

Back when people used typewriters and an archaic delivery system known as the Indian Postal Service, cover letters served the important function of protecting resumes against damage caused by psychotic postal workers.

Since the advent of email sometime around 1972, resumes have been sent via email. Today, the purpose of a cover letter is to avoid attaching a resume to a completely blank email, which is frowned upon in some cultures.

You will recognize a cover letter by its adherence to the following format:

Beginning: Blah-blah-blah. Blah-blah-blah.
Middle: Blah-blah-blah. Blah-blah-blah-blah.
End: My resume is attached.

While most managers read only the resume, you should always print out and read the cover letter as well. This is a handy way to kill time and avoid doing actual work. Perhaps more important, it can serve as inexpensive gift wrap, lining for a birdcage, or holiday party confetti.

Under no circumstances should you pay attention to the following:

Ability to structure a coherent sentence
Typos, misspellings, and grammatical errors simply indicate that the candidate is either not particularly detail oriented or not particularly bright. Hey, as long as you know how to type “LOL” and “RU free 4 lunch?” you’ll probably be just fine here, right?

Hidden insights into character
Ramblings about being pursued by CIA operatives and/or having one’s brain scanned by aliens are probably just conversation fillers. Similarly, threats of physical violence against you or the company are often just idle boasts.

Knowledge of the company
The rocket scientists over in HR claim that a candidate should display some basic familiarity with the company or industry in which the company operates. But seriously, if the candidate knew anything about the company, why would he be applying?

Ability to persuade, sell, or inspire
Last time I checked this was a workplace, not Hallmark Channel. Next.

Above all, try not to think too deeply. About anything. Ever. No one ever got promoted by thinking.

If you want to make enemies, try to change something – Woodrow Wilson